TUCSON CRIMERO
Crime Pulp News
VOL. 1, NO. 1 — SPECIAL ISSUE: DESERT SHADOWS
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Sheriff Nanos Discovers New Evidence Management Technique: Hide It From the FBI
Pima County Sheriff Chris Nanos is blocking the FBI from evidence in the Nancy Guthrie case. Because nothing says 'competent law enforcement' like obstructing a federal investigation.
Ronstadt Transit Center: Now Offering Puncture Trauma With Your Commute
Aggravated assault at Ronstadt Transit Center. Sun Tran's Mass Transit Fund lost $57.8 million in FY 2025 subsidizing free bus fares. Riders got free stabbings instead.
Nanos Needs Decompression: Basketball More Important Than Missing Person
Sheriff Nanos attended a UA basketball game while Nancy Guthrie was missing. His defense: 'I needed to decompress.' Translation: Missing persons investigations are less important than my mental health.
Three-Vehicle Crash at I-19 Off-Ramp: Tragedy Strikes Valencia Road Intersection
Three-vehicle crash at I-19/Valencia. Tucson's road infrastructure continues its winning streak against human life.
South Tucson Homicide: Another Body, Another Investigation
South Tucson homicide. Another body, another investigation, another case file in a department that's been underfunded for decades.
Tucson Declares Housing & Homelessness Emergency: Finally, Someone Noticed
Tucson declares housing emergency. City Council finally notices homelessness after decades of ignoring it. Shelter approval times drop from 8 months to 2 months. Turns out bureaucracy moves fast when there's a PR problem.
Crime Scene 101: How to Accidentally Let Journalists Photograph Blood Evidence
Sheriff Nanos releases crime scene prematurely, lets journalists photograph blood evidence. Nanos: 'Yeah, probably shouldn't have done that.' Competence: optional.
Sheriff Admits He Is Not Used To Being Held Accountable for His Words
Sheriff Nanos: 'I'm not used to being held accountable for my words.' Translation: 'I liked it better when nobody paid attention to what I did.'
STAR Village Continues Through September: Homelessness Gets a Pilot Program
STAR Village pilot continues through September. 25-bed program for a city with 2,000+ homeless people. City spent $79M+ on housing programs in FY 2024. Nonprofits celebrate incremental progress while the problem explodes.
Tucson Pushes to Address Public Drug Use: Fentanyl Wins Again
Tucson's drug problem continues despite millions in treatment funding. Fentanyl still winning. Nonprofits still collecting grants. Bodies still piling up.
Point in Time Count 2026: Tracking Homelessness While Parks Close
Annual Point in Time Count: Tucson's way of counting homeless people while closing parks and banning encampments. Data collection without solutions. Government efficiency at its finest.
AZDPS Trooper Sustains Minor Injuries: I-10 Criminal Speed Stop Goes Wrong
AZDPS trooper injured during traffic stop. Driver didn't appreciate enforcement. Tucson's roads: where traffic laws go to die.
Tucson Rejects Public Nuisance Claims: Residents Can't Get Reimbursed
Tucson rejects residents' reimbursement claims for public nuisance damages. City criminalizes homelessness while refusing to help victims. Bureaucracy: the ultimate winning strategy.
Major Drug Bust in Midtown: 1.5 Lbs Meth, 150g Fentanyl, $59K Cash
Major drug bust in midtown: 1.5 lbs meth, 150g fentanyl, $59K cash. TPD celebrates the seizure. Fentanyl supply continues uninterrupted. Nonprofits still collecting millions for treatment.
CBP Seizes 65+ Lbs Meth & 5 Lbs Fentanyl: That's 19,000+ Pills
CBP seizes 65+ lbs meth, 5 lbs fentanyl, 19,000+ pills. Massive bust. Fentanyl still cheap and available on Tucson streets. The War on Drugs: still losing.
18-Year-Old Arrested for December 27 Shooting: Two Dead
18-year-old arrested for December 27 shooting. Two dead. Youth crime continues. Juvenile justice system: still failing.
Street Takeover in Midtown: Multiple Arrests, Cars Impounded
Street takeover in midtown. Multiple arrests, cars impounded. TPD clears the scene. Next month: same location, different cars, same problem.
Assault at Tucson Bus Stop: Victim's Injuries Not Life-Threatening
Assault at Tucson bus stop. Just another day on Sun Tran, where $150M+ in annual funding somehow doesn't prevent violence.
City Council Discusses ICE Ban: Ordinance to Prohibit Federal Immigration Operations
Tucson City Council bans ICE from city property. Feels good to take a stand. Meanwhile, actual public safety problems continue unaddressed.
Sun Tran Stabbing: Man Arrested for Stabbing Passenger 12+ Times
Man arrested for stabbing Sun Tran passenger 12+ times on Christmas Eve. Sun Tran's $150M+ budget: still can't prevent violence on buses.
Homelessness Encampments: The Great Wash Debate
City votes to criminalize camping in washes while Environmental Services budget hits $72.6M (up $4M from FY 2024) cleaning up encampments. Tucson's strategy: criminalize poverty, spend millions on cleanup, ignore the root cause.
Homelessness & Public Safety: Tucson's Ongoing Balancing Act
Safer City Improvement Fund had $4.6M in revenues and ended FY 2024 with a $762K surplus. Homelessness continues. Nonprofits celebrate process. Results remain elusive.
Goodwill Donation Center: Where Generosity Meets Gunfire
Man shoots Goodwill workers over return dispute. Two victims fighting for their lives. Where's the justice for the families?
Woman Confronts Police, Loses Argument (Permanently)
Woman shot by police at emergency scene. Confrontation escalates to lethal force. Another incident, another investigation, another family destroyed.
Walmart Shooting: Now With Video Evidence!
Walmart shooting video released months later. Still unclear what happened. Walmart security: present but ineffective.
Frutti Tootti: A Cocaine By Any Other Name Still Gets You Arrested
Man convicted of dealing 'Frutti Tootti.' Yes, that's the actual street name. Drug market: still thriving despite law enforcement efforts.
Mayor's Son, 19, Discovers DUI Charges Apply to Everyone
Mayor's 19-year-old son arrested for DUI. Apparently being the mayor's son doesn't exempt you from drunk driving laws. Who knew?
Sun Tran Violence: Public Transit Reaches New Levels of Excitement
12+ violent crimes on Sun Tran since April. $150M+ annual budget. Still can't keep riders safe. Nonprofits: still collecting grants.
Taco Giro Protest: When Dinner Becomes a Battlefield
Taco Giro protest turns violent. Two charged. Tucson: where even food protests end in arrests.
Convenience Store Fight Ends in Manslaughter Charges
Fatal fight at convenience store. Manslaughter charges filed. Convenience stores: where convenience goes to die.
Elderly Driver, 72, Discovers Pedals Work Both Ways
72-year-old driver confuses gas and brake pedal. Fatal crash. Renewed calls for senior evaluations. Calls get ignored. Cycle continues.
Hit-and-Run: The Ultimate 'Plug and Play' Crime
Fatal hit-and-run. Police searching for driver. Traffic cameras exist. Witnesses exist. Driver still at large.
At Goodwill: Bring your receipt. Always.
At Police Scenes: DO NOT approach armed officers.
On Sun Tran: Keep your wits about you.
At Convenience Stores: Let them have the Doritos.
On the Road: Know which pedal is the brake.
After an Accident: Stay at the scene.
In Public Spaces: Be aware of your surroundings.
With Homeless Individuals: Show respect and compassion.
During Street Takeovers: Stay indoors and report to police.
With Fentanyl: One pill can kill. Seriously.
How to Avoid Becoming a Headline
Tucson Crimero is a satirical news website dedicated to covering crime, public safety, and homelessness in Tucson, Arizona—with a healthy dose of dark humor. We believe that laughter is the best medicine, even when the subject matter is serious.
Our mission is to inform, entertain, and occasionally make you shake your head in disbelief at the absurdity of real-world events. All stories are based on actual news from Tucson, but presented with satirical commentary and comedic spin.
Disclaimer: This is satire. We mean no disrespect to victims or their families. Our goal is to highlight the quirks and oddities of urban life through comedic commentary. Always stay alert, stay safe, and remember that real crime is no joke—but sometimes the news sure is.